


my darling, please forgive me (i'm feared in every town)

by puckiety



Series: fluttering your lashes like ashes & embers [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Amnesia, Caesar is dead, Courier of Color, F/M, Independent New Vegas (Fallout), Lonesome Road DLC, Pregnancy, Slavery, Unplanned Pregnancy, Who's the baby daddy? no one knows!, courier six has siblings, one of them was a slave one of them works in freeside
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-05 20:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13396035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puckiety/pseuds/puckiety
Summary: “what’s your name?” the doctor asks her, watching her with kind eyes and a kind smile.  hope stretches, her neck popping loudly.“hope,” she answers.mitchell chuckles a little, either from her brusque tone or the way her bones crack as she moves, she isn’t sure.  “not what i would’ve picked for you, but if that’s your name, that’s your name.” a pause, and he adds, “it’s fitting though, ain’t it?  hope.”--Her name is Courier Six, and she remembers everything -- or at least, she thinks she does.





	my darling, please forgive me (i'm feared in every town)

**Author's Note:**

> title from "bandida" by audra mae.
> 
> this is what happens when you have an entire backstory for your courier planned out, and then you play lonesome road and suddenly your timeline makes zero sense.
> 
> reposted from fanfiction.net with the same name & username.

her name is tuwiyah hope chavez, and she remembers everything.

(at least, this is what she believes to be true; she knows the face & the name of the man who shot her in the head, knows the name of her parents and her brother and her sister, knows that she was given to a tribe at the age of five in the purpose of revenge.  benny’s bullet took none of that from her.)

when she wakes up in doc mitchell’s house, she goes through with his tests even though she feels _fine_ – if you disregard the pain in her skull. 

“what’s your name?” the doctor asks her, watching her with kind eyes and a kind smile.  hope stretches, her neck popping loudly.

“hope,” she answers.

mitchell chuckles a little, either from her brusque tone or the way her bones crack as she moves, she isn’t sure.  “not what i would’ve picked for you, but if that’s your name, that’s your name.” a pause, and he adds, “it’s fitting though, ain’t it?   _hope_.”

“it’s what the tribe called me,” she responds.  “my title’s courier six.”

hope has other titles, of course; the chairmen call her _benny’s girl_ , though she doubts they’ll do it anymore, now that benny thinks she’s dead.  she’s still confused about that night, about what led to her on her knees in a cemetery, a flash of silver between benny’s fingers and maria – that goddamn gun – pointed between her eyes.  after all, she’d been by benny’s side until, what was it, six months ago?  a kiss to his cheek, _just one job, a chance to see my parents_ , and off she went?  she missed the mojave, missed the wind and sand in her hair, and she’d wanted to see the homestead that she’d left behind all those years ago.

she’d found more than her parents at the farm; a brother, too, _benito ahote chavez_ , five years younger than her – he must have been born not long after her sister was stolen & she went away with the boot riders.  he was a prodigy, brilliant & better at repairs than anyone freeside had to offer, so she set him up in a building she’d had rebuilt the year before (an _escape_ , a place where she & benny could go and be undisturbed – not that it had ever seen much use.  benny much preferred his big bed at the tops to the quiet haven she’d created).

he’d ended up opening a repair shop – that was four months ago.  then she’d left to go get that package for the mojave express, bring it back to vegas, and next thing she remembers is waking up on her knees in the dirt with her lover standing over her. 

god, that _pendejo_. she’s going to kick his _ass_ when she gets back to vegas.

\--

unpredictably, it takes hope a while to get to benny.

it’s mostly because of the detours she took on the way, the detours which lead her to a crazy bunch of new friends, all of whom she finds miles more trustworthy than benny – ironic, since she grew _up_ with him – as well as the detour, singular, which leads her to her sister.  somehow, she finds herself in legion territory with arcade at her side, and instead of fighting her way out, hope allows the legionaries to lead her to their camp’s leader, some middling-rank legion officer with a woman behind him who Hope _knows_ , instinctively, is her sister.

“come along, antonia,” says the officer, and hope bristles because her sister’s name is _not_ antonia, and she cannot bear to see that her sister is a slave, even if it means she’s alive.

“how much?” she asks, though bile rises in her throat at the thought of buying her beloved baby sister from this monster.  the officer laughs.

“i doubt you could afford her; she’s my favorite.  my wife, my treasure.  she’s already borne me a son, haven’t you, antonia?”

“her name _ain’t_ antonia,” hope snarls, hands curling into fists.  this man makes her sick.  beside her, arcade makes a warning noise in his throat, but she doesn’t care.  “how _much_?”

the officer looks down his nose at her.  “two-thousand caps.”

if it were anything else, she’d spit in his face.  if she had any faith in the odds of arcade and her making it out alive with anita, she’d take a bat to this monster’s head.  instead, she pulls out the caps, grateful that years at the tables in the tops taught her to keep them in bags of 100, and holds them out.  “here,” she says, “two-thousand.  now hand her over.”

“how do I know you’ve paid in full, profligate?”

hope scuffs her boot against the hard mojave dirt.  “have your men count out the caps.  if it don’t add up, i’m sure you’ll be able to find me.  vegas is big, but it ain’t _that_ big.  just ask around.”

“and your name? for the paperwork, of course.” he smiles, but there’s something angry in it.  hope figures it’s because she just took his favorite slave away.

“they call me six,” she says, and the smile she gives him in return is razor sharp, promising blood if he doesn’t give her who she paid for.

in the end, hope walks away with her sister, and the minute they’re out of legion territory, the collar comes off.

“anita,” she whispers as soon as soon as she’s freed her sister, “i’m so _sorry_.”

her sister’s dark eyes are wide, filling with tears.  “tuwiyah?”

“it’s me,” hope promises, holding out her hands but not touching the younger woman, “i swear, it’s me.  you’re safe now.  nobody’s ever gonna touch you again, not if I have a say in it.  if they do, i’ll cut their hands off myself.”

“you said we’re going to vegas?”

hope nods.  “anita – we’ve got a brother.”

“a _brother_?”

\--

anita settles in remarkably well to freeside, even if she doesn’t leave ben’s shop often.  hope kind of wishes she’d just killed all those legion bastards, because those caps were supposed to get her back into vegas ( _really_ , the securitrons don’t recognize her anymore? what kind of bullshit is that?) but when she voices her complaint, benito looks up from the pants he’s mending and arches an eyebrow at her.

“what?” she asks.

“i can reprogram the securitrons to let you in, if you distract them,” benito says.

“that would have been useful to know weeks ago,” arcade says drily, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

\--

she’s fucked up.

she knows it as soon as she wakes, feeling the empty space on the bed where benny had slept beside her.  he’s gone, now, that man in his checkered coat, because of course he is – he can claim not to be a fink all he wants, but what kind of guy leaves a girl in bed?  gentlemen don’t, that’s for damn sure.

the plan – the _original_ plan – was to seduce him and then kill him _before_ he got her into bed; maybe after if it would be safer.  but hope just hadn’t been able to do it.  seeing him sleeping there, all peaceful, snoring quietly and murmuring her name occasionally – well, killing a man while he was unconscious wasn’t something she was okay with.  even if that man had been all too ready to shoot her while she was on her knees.

(him being _benny_ has nothing to do with her sparing him, she tells herself.  whatever they had – whatever they might have become – it broke when he put two bullets in her skull.  it’s just that her temper has cooled off since she crawled out of her grave.)

she swears, pulling on the slip she’d worn for him and tossing a spare jacket of his around her shoulders.  arcade’s gonna _kill_ her.  no, screw that – Boone’s gonna kill her.  _all_ of her friends are going to kill her.  her brother is going to kill her.  this whole thing, this whole mess?  it was a mistake.  she just wanted to know why he shot her; she hadn’t cared about vegas, or the chip, or house.  honestly, she doesn’t even like house.

(she never really _did_ , but she hates him more now.  this whole thing is his fault, anyway.  if it hadn’t been for him and his stupid chip, she could have gone on living life as benny’s girl, not whoever she is now.)

then, to top it all off, the legion dog from nipton corners her the minute she exits the tops, head reeling with all the information that yes man has given her.  she almost doesn’t recognize him, but then he speaks and suddenly she remembers the smell of burning bodies and the sight of people tied to crosses and, honestly, vulpes inculta is lucky that hope doesn’t shoot him dead on the streets of vegas.  he tells her that the legion has benny, that caesar wants to see her personally, and then gives her something he says absolves her of any crimes against the Legion and grants her safe passage to the Fort.

so she goes.

\--

hope stumbles out of the fort after telling caesar that she needs time to prepare, almost sick at the sight of benny, bound and beaten on the floor of that monster’s tent.  if she was fooling herself before into not caring about her ex-lover, it certainly isn’t working now.  no matter how much she tries, she can’t erase the sight of his bloodied face from her mind.  she spends the whole ride back from the fort trying not to be sick and wishing that she’d brought a friend with her.  even raul, gruff as he is, would be a blessing now.

she casts her gaze to the sky, finds herself praying to god in a way she hasn’t in years.  she prays that she’ll have the strength to save benny even though caesar wants her to kill him, and she prays for guidance.

when her boots hit solid ground again, she turns on her pip-boy’s radio and hears a broadcast for the happy trails caravan company.  her mind is made up almost instantly; this will give her time to think, time to reflect, time to be something other than the leader yes man wants of her or the lackey that house, the ncr, and the legion are looking for.  She stops back at freeside to drop some things off, kisses her sister on the cheek, and tells her brother that she’ll be gone for a few months.  “don’t let the city go to hell without me,” she says, but there’s a thread of bitterness in her joking tone.

benito hugs her tightly.  “stay safe, tuwiyah.”

hope heads into zion.

\--

hope returns from zion and she is _different_.

her soul and her mind are settled, because she has seen who was once the worst of caesar’s men, has spoken to the burned man, has turned him away from a dark path.  her heart is less settled, because she also walks away from zion having kissed joshua graham, having given a piece of herself to the man who was once known as the malpais legate. 

(in the dark, some nights, she thinks she can feel the ghost of his lips against hers, the remnant of his touch.  it doesn’t haunt her, not really, but he lingers in a way that benny never has.)

hope gathers up her friends and marches to caesar’s camp, brings the chip to the bunker and upgrades the securitrons.  then, when caesar shows his gratitude for what he assumes is compliance by allowing her to choose the way benny will die, hope draws the .45 that joshua gave her and pistol whips him the way the burned man taught her to.

“ _sic semper tyrannus,”_ she snarls as her friends take on his praetorians.  “joshua graham sends his regards.”

then she empties her clip into his skull.

\--

her friends (and her brother) all thought she was insane for deciding to spare benny _again_ , but they all shut up when she pulls him to his feet and jams the muzzle of her .45 under his jaw.  “try to cross me _again_ ,” she hisses, “and i’ll rip you into so many fucking pieces that swank’ll have to spend years crossing the mojave just to have enough to fill your casket.  understand?”

benny swallows hard, nods, and hope removes the pistol.

(he couldn’t see that her finger was never anywhere near the trigger.)

later, back in her bedroom above benito’s shop, she brushes out her long black hair and asks him why he did it.

“i was always loyal to the chairmen,” hope says, and her voice is soft and level.  “surely you didn’t think that six months and one job for the mojave express had changed that?”

“six months?” benny asks, “pussycat, you left a year after we came here.  said you missed the road.”

“what?”

“don’t you remember?”

he seems concerned, despite the fact that _he’s_ the reason she can’t remember.  “no, benny, i don’t,” hope snarls, tugging the brush harder through her hair.  “a bullet to the skull will do that to a girl.”

benny sighs from where he’s sitting on her bed.  “i’m sorry, baby.  come here, let me thank you for getting me outta that mess with the legion?”

hope sets her brush down on the dresser, giving a sigh of her own.  “i don’t think I’m in the mood tonight, benny.”

“then just let me hold ya, huh?”

she pauses for a moment, but then goes to lay down beside him, allowing benny (her leader, her lover, her _killer_ ) to wrap his arms around her and bury his nose in her silky hair.

\--

she doesn’t discover the truth until the divide.

she follows ulysses’ directions because she’s curious, and she _knows_ that there’s something wrong with this whole thing, but she is nothing if not resilient.  she’s been nearly-killed many times, and each time the mojave spits her back out, brand new.

(she had a _lobotomy_ , for god’s sake.  she still can’t quite believe how much of a dick her brain was.  and then there was that whole mess with the sierra madre – she’s still upset that dean domino wouldn’t listen to reason.)

but ulysses tells her what she did during those missing years, the city that she was helping to build – the city that she destroyed.  and god, she doesn’t remember but she wishes she does, if only to reassure herself that she didn’t know, that she didn’t destroy it on purpose.  this whole journey has kept her stomach in a knot of worry and the nauseating realization that she could very well be the kind of monster she’s spent the past few months decrying.  after all, she launched that nuke.  granted, ulysses told her to, but she never questioned, too curious, too driven to get to the bottom of his mystery.

at the end, when he’s getting ready to launch the missiles, she almost tells him to go ahead and destroy the ncr, see if she cares – but she doesn’t.  she doesn’t want to fight ulysses or kill him, wants to prove to him that she’s not who he thinks she is.  so she talks him down, uses her silver tongue to convince him the way she convinced joshua not to kill salt-upon-wounds.  and they fight side by side against the marked men, backed up by ed-e and the other eyebots, two couriers against the monsters she created.

when it’s over, ed-e sacrifices himself to stop the warheads, and she almost cries before she remembers that there’s still part of him whole, back home in the mojave.  she just has to get back to him.

she speaks to ulysses before she leaves the divide, tries to get him to follow her back to vegas, but he shakes his head and says that his duty is to remain where he is.  he tells her stories of his travels, of his days with the legion, mentions joshua graham –

“i know joshua,” hope says, smiling a little fondly at the memory of the burned man’s bright blue eyes.

and when he’s done, when she turns to go, she remembers that she has one last thing to say:

“caesar is dead.”

“i’ll thank you when lanius faces the same fate,” he says.  hope grins at her fellow courier, shifting the pack on her back.

“i’ll hold you to that, ulysses.  you’ll see me again.”

he turns his face towards the divide as she walks back towards the mojave.  “i have no doubt of that.”

\--

the second battle of hoover dam happens, and when the dust clears, hope is the sole ruler of vegas.

(also, yes man throws general oliver off of the hoover dam, which is probably the most ruthless tuwiyah hope chavez has ever been.)

within weeks of the battle, hope realizes that she’s pregnant – and that she has no idea who the father is.  so she goes back to zion, and she returns with joshua graham.

“you’re kidding me,” arcade says, arching blond brows at her when she comes back, “your options for the kid’s dad are benny or _him_?  Honestly, i’m not sure which is worse.”

hope laughs.  “you know what, buddy? i ain’t sure either.  we’ll just have to deal – like we always do.  either way, though, you’ll be uncle arcade.”

her best friend blanches.  “i’ll be _what_?”


End file.
